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Relationships

Not underestimating the importance of grandparents

Dr. Paul | June 13, 2019 |
 

When I was 8 years old, my paternal grandmother moved in with our family. My mother, who lost her mom when she was 18, was very close to her mother-in-law. My father was overseas at the end of World War II when my older brother was born. My mother was 21-years-old, with a newborn, and moved in with my grandmother. Living in a multi-generational family wasn't new to her.

I loved having my grandmother live with us. My mom worked full time and so my grandma took up the slack. In those days, I came home for lunch. I remember steaming bowls of chicken soup waiting for me. When I came... Read More

Negotiating a summer home with your college student

Dr. Paul | May 29, 2019 |
 

College students are coming home for the summer. It’s a huge readjustment for older teens who were living in dorms and in off-campus housing. At school, they had complete freedom to come and go as they please, with no parental oversight. No one to ask you when you’re coming home, where you’re going, who you’re going with, or what you’re planning to do. No one to bug you about cleaning up your room or folding your laundry.

I remember when our kids came home from college, especially their first summer. They were snarky when I asked them when they were coming home from a night out with... Read More

Spring cleaning

Dr. Paul | April 24, 2019 |
 
Mother and son vacuuming the house.

Spring is here! The trees are leafing out with their palette of green. Spring flowers are blooming everywhere and fruit trees are wearing their multi-colored blossoms. It’s nature’s moment of renewal and celebration.

This season always harkens a new start after winter’s cold and darkness. Many of us have our spring cleaning ritual—scrubbing floors and dirty corners, steam-cleaning rugs, and emptying out overstuffed closets and cabinets. It’s a time for cleaning up gardens from winter storms that left leaves and branches on lawns and flower beds.  It’s time to plant new flowers and... Read More

Fathers and sons

Dr. Paul | April 03, 2019 |
 
Father and son bonding.

On April 1st, my father would have celebrated his 99th birthday.

When he was 87, he learned that he had inoperable lung cancer. When he told me, I was surprised how sad I felt. He had always been relatively healthy—despite having the usual cardiovascular problems of older age. I thought I was prepared for the inevitable. I wasn’t.

As an adult, I always felt distant from my father. We spoke different languages. He was a scientist, a technician, an engineer who lived in the world of facts, symbols, and numbers. I am a psychologist, who lives in the world of people.

... Read More

The Big Five: Making Relationships Work

Dr. Paul | January 23, 2019 |
 
In January, our Behavioral Health team sees a tsunami wave of couples who held it together over the holidays, and now they’re coming in for help.    Love and living under the same roof are intricate. While love tends to be simpler, cohabitation requires constant communication, negotiation, and trust—all of which can be diminished by vast differences in temperament and personality.    It seems to be a human trait that opposites attract—and then these very different adults spend the next 20 years trying to get the other person to be just like them! A recipe for misery.   The beginning months of... Read More

In-Laws or Outlaws?

Dr. Paul | January 16, 2019 |
 
I was fortunate, my in-laws and I got along famously. Over the years, we became close as we got to know each other. I think they were very happy that I married their daughter. They thought I was a “catch”. I didn't want to disappoint them.   My wife wasn't so fortunate. My mother didn't appreciate Diane. Maybe they were too similar—both strong willed and opinionated. Not long after we had children, sparks started to fly. Over the years, it got worse.    Diane didn't trust my mother with our kids, which my mom resented. My wife didn't want to attend my extended family gatherings. My mother was... Read More

Love is a verb

Boe | August 01, 2018 |
 
A passionate couple dancing in the kitchen.

Mary feels disconnected from her husband Joe— “I just feel so alone” she says. Married for 20 years with three children, she’s going through a hard time. They love each other, but Joe is a very different person than Mary. She’s more emotional—wanting touch and affection. Joe is more likely to intellectualize his feelings. I can see that Joe feels bad about Mary’s loneliness.

They haven’t been spending much time with each other. Mary’s busy with the kids and Joe works long hours. Over time, they stopped going out as a couple. At the end of each day, they both drop into bed exhausted... Read More

Coming of age

Dr. Paul | May 23, 2018 |
 
Young adult female.

Recently, I came across a collection of stories about a friend of mine, who passed away in his early adulthood, including one that I wrote about our teenage years. It made me sad to think about his untimely death. He had an alcohol problem and died while drunk behind the wheel of a car. It made me reflect on my coming of age in the late 1960’s. And it made me think about young people who are coming of age today.

The 1960’s were both an exciting and a scary time. I remember watching, on our black and white TV, the new rock n roll sensation from England, perform on the Ed Sullivan... Read More

The new American family

Dr. Paul | May 10, 2018 |
 
Happy family with children.

Meet the Smiths, a typical American family. Just married, John and Mary have four children! Sally 14, and Joe, 12, are John’s. David, 10, and Bill, 4, are Mary’s.

Sound familiar?

The new American family is a blend of mine, yours, and ours—brought to you by a divorce rate of about 41% of first marriages and a remarriage rate of 52-64% of divorced couples.

The natural life history of divorce and remarriage brings about new facts of family life. From the rubble of marital dissolution rises the single-parent family, usually headed by Mom. Dad has the kids every other... Read More

The value of friendship

Dr. Paul | March 28, 2018 |
 
Childhood friends doing handshake.

I remember my childhood chum, Dennis. We did everything together. We played ping pong until we fell from exhaustion. A brief snack later, we played Monopoly until his parents sent me home. I returned after dinner to play basketball into the night. Who needed to see the hoop? We were best friends. All we needed was each other.

Ultimately, I moved away, and our friendship faded. But childhood friendships stay alive in adult minds. They bring forth warm memories of innocence, loyalty, and love.

Adolescent male relationships have a unique flavor. They taste of adventure and... Read More

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