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Relationships

Improving communication

Dr. Paul | November 23, 2020 |
 

Joe isn’t a big talker, especially when it comes to his feelings. He tends to keep his thoughts and emotions in. But his wife, Sarah, is a straight shooter. She doesn't hold back — when she’s frustrated, angry, or upset about something, Joe’s going to hear about it. I’ve observed over many years of clinical practice that opposites attract. Then they spend the next 20 years trying to get their partner to be just like them. 

So, what’s the problem? Joe avoids conflict and Sarah wants to take problems head on. She’s frustrated by his avoidance and he’s intimidated by her directness.... Read More

Listening

Dr. Paul | November 16, 2020 |
 

This election season has been painful for everyone, whether blue or red. Clearly there is a divide across America that separates us from each other. Even without the pandemic, family members and neighbors, with opposing ideas about how to be good stewards of our country, can’t comfortably sit at the same table. Political discussions quickly become angry, pointed and sometimes even hostile. 

We are passionate about our beliefs, whatever they are. We have strongly held views about how to steer our nation through the 21st century. We are sure of what is right or wrong, good or bad,... Read More

Too much togetherness

Dr. Paul | September 14, 2020 |
 

Our global pandemic has resulted in terrible loneliness for some adults and way too much togetherness for others. With schools closed and legions of office employees working from home, families are glued together day in and day out. Add a dollop of nowhere to go, and we have a recipe for cranky children and grouchy adults. Even couples who get along famously, on a non-pandemic day, can get snarky during our forced home stay.

My wife Diane and I, in love for 47 years, bump into each other a little more than we’d like. Diane, a writer and a psychologist, has always worked from her... Read More

It’s all about showing up

Dr. Paul | September 08, 2020 |
 

When I lived in Massachusetts, my good friend Bill would drive across the state to visit. He would always bring his tools with him so that he could help me with my various house projects. He would cheerfully help me repair whatever was broken — or I should say, I would assist him, since I have no idea how to fix anything.

When my wife passed out at the gym while I was out of town, my friend Patti showed up to help. She spent 24 hours keeping an eye on her while I flew home. And when my daughter crossed the finish line after running a marathon, my friend Tracy was there to help.... Read More

Managing relationship stress from togetherness

Dr. Paul | July 20, 2020 |
 

During the last six months, many adults have spent an unusual amount of time with their partners. My wife and I are both working from home, when I used to go to my office in Everett. We bump into each other all day—sometimes it’s more than a bump and instead like a head-on collision.

I notice that after a while, I can get grumpy. And then, where can we go on the weekends? While stores, restaurants, parks, and beaches are slowly opening up, there is always the ever-present threat of the coronavirus. We’re fortunate that summer is here, with long, wide open sunny days offering hikes... Read More

Maintaining healthy relationships

Dr. Paul | April 21, 2020 |
 

Couples are experiencing added pressures in their relationships due to the pandemic. They are spending more time together, sometimes in cramped quarters. There’s increased stress and worry with fewer ways to relieve tension. It can be a recipe for constant bickering. We need to work hard to maintain healthy relationships during this trying time. Let’s look at ways to help our relationships with loved ones stay strong.

Q: How do I nurture a healthy relationship during this intense time?

We can’t visit with friends regularly, go to our usual restaurants, movie theatres, or... Read More

Helping families cope with a pandemic

Dr. Paul | April 07, 2020 |
 

The COVID-19 pandemic is impacting all areas of our lives and presenting new challenges for families everywhere. School cancellations, orders to stay home, and working remotely are forcing everyone to quickly adapt to the “new normal.” It’s important we address family issues and challenges, including stress and anxiety caused by the pandemic. Let’s look at ways to help families get through these trying times.

Q: My teenage daughter, Sarah, has shut herself in her room most of the day. I’m really worried about her. What should I do?

The COVID-19 crisis has disrupted the lives... Read More

Maintaining a healthy relationship with your partner

Dr. Paul | February 21, 2020 |
 

The other day a friend, who experienced several deaths in her family this last year, sighed and said to me--“At least my husband is the man of my dreams 99 percent of the time.” Wow, that’s a high score. Naturally, I wondered how my wife might rate me.

I had to ask her. She took a long pause (which made me nervous) and told me that I was the man of her dreams 96 percent of the time. I was amazed. I didn't expect such a high mark. A few days later, I forgot to do something she asked me to do, she remarked, “Watch out buddy, you’re slipping down to 85percent.” We both laughed.

... Read More

Turning mindfulness into service

Dr. Paul | February 08, 2020 |
 

I practiced Aikido, a Japanese martial art, for over 20 years. This branch of Aikido, taught by Koichi Tohei, cultivates stillness, outer-focused awareness, and non-dissension—not just from a martial art perspective, but more importantly, in everyday life.

By remaining calm and centered, it’s easier to connect with others, even when there’s conflict. It’s simple to be tranquil when you’re sitting by yourself in a quiet room. But what about when you feel attacked? Or criticized? Then we’re quick to get angry, defensive, or aggressive. In Aikido, we called this “fighting mind.”

... Read More

Learning to be more honest with others

Dr. Paul | November 15, 2019 |
 

I saw a comedy recently that reminded me of something serious. The movie, “Late Night” starring Emma Thompson, is a story of a comic who is about to be replaced because her show has become stale. Why? Because she was no longer being herself, but instead was trying to please others. She didn't take any risks. Over time, her ratings declined.

In real life, honesty, authenticity, and direct communication can be undervalued, especially in our Northwest culture. How often do friends and co-workers tell you exactly what they think? More often than not, our local culture values indirect... Read More

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